Will I Come Back?

I have to be completely honest...I’m scared sick of coming back to social media. In fact I was planning on coming back yesterday, but the nerves and the fear are making me hesitate another week. I’m not prepared… I’m not ready… There’s more that needs to be done before I come back. Yet I know deep down the truth is we are never really fully prepared for anything. Everything that we do is done with a small part of us hesitating. I cannot wait until I’m 100% confident in coming back to social media. I doubt I’ll ever fully want to come back. Having seen life without it, I know that I  have lived parts of my best life without social media. 

Then I think about the community on social media, the people I care about on Instagram that I haven’t been able to support since I left and the people I want to cultivate relationships with. I think about that and realize how much I long to come back to the community. I realize how much I want to work on cultivating a more intimate relationship with everyone on social media. Those are the reasons why I want to come back. Those are the only reasons why I will come back. 

That and the words of a friend ring through my mind, “Don’t forget that your art is also a gift to us.” What use is a gift if it is not given selflessly into the hands of others? I have not shared my art with anyone, save a small few, in months. I miss putting it into the hands of people who connect with the stories that I create and seeing how they react to it.

Yet in the same breath the reasons why I want to come back are also the reasons why I don’t want to come back. 

As much as I long for the community that can be built on social media, I am afraid of the loneliness that will sweep in if my efforts to form relationships fail. What if I reach out to people and nothing comes of it? What if a year from now, I’m not closer to building a community than I am today? I am afraid of the maddening silence of loneliness that can permeate into the very center of one's heart. 

Not only that, as much as I want to believe my friend, it’s hard to believe that my own art could be a gift to another. I create in such a way that invites people into the story to find comfort and meaning. But what if I come back and no one cares? What if I am not met with the welcoming warmth that I would like to run into when I come back? Doubt creeps in around the edges and makes me wonder about the response I will receive if I return. 

Will anyone actually care?

Will anyone actually notice?

It’s so much easier to stay away. Yet, I believe that anything worth doing is not going to be easy. Anything worth doing is going to cause nervousness, doubt, and this feeling that I will never be fully prepared to do it. In the face of those feelings and in the face of choosing to do that which is easy, I hope I will choose the option that will push me towards growth. 

So the question remains...am I coming back to social media?

Time will only tell.

Until Next Time,
Lillian Merritt