This Is Who I Am
“Portrait Of The Artist”
Self-Portrait, November 2021
Hi...My name is Lillian Merritt and it’s time to reintroduce myself.
First of all, I’m terrible at small talk because what I crave is the kind of conversation that provides one with the glimpse of their soul. I long to get to know people on the kind of level that most shy away from, mostly because I wish to be known in the same way.
In the past few months, I’ve been the loneliest I have ever been. A fundamental part of who I am is my desire to build community and surround myself with meaningful relationships. However, my fear of loneliness is often the very thing that keeps me tangled in its grasp. Because I have seen the depths of loneliness, I strive towards the arms of community.
I cling to the things that bring out emotional responses and intensify emotions. Feelings are utterly fascinating to me, especially those that may be seen as negative. With that said, I am often ruled by my emotions and can frequently be found within the arms of melancholia.
Most will see me as a cynic, when in reality it is a mask in which I wear to shield the fact that I have a hopeless romantic heart that has been trod upon in the past.
Whenever I meet someone, the first thing I notice are their hands. Hands are one of the most beautiful features a human can possess because they tell of intimacy, vulnerability, and all the possibilities those hands can craft for themselves.
One of my biggest insecurities is of the depth I have within me. I have met a few individuals in my life that have left me speechless in the face of the multitudes they carry within them. I cannot help but wonder if I have even a fraction of that depth.
There is a longing within me for a home and I believe the quest for that home is part of the next chapter of my life. I yearn to find what else might be waiting for me out there in the wide open world.
While this is not the full picture, I wanted to provide you with a small glimpse into who I truly am below the surface at this moment in time. Throughout our lives we shift into different versions of ourselves often to the point of being completely different people, this is where I am today.
So tell me...who are you right now?
Until Next Time,
Lillian Merritt
