Dear February
Letters written to you Dear Correspondent as a glimpse into my life through the month of February.
Dear Correspondent - February 10th, 2024
I looked at a house yesterday.
Well really it was a building. An old store front that sits on a historic main street of a town that only has 142 residents. I didn’t completely fall in love with it, if I'm being honest. Unlike 13059 and 399. Those two properties I instantly fell in love with.
Maybe it’s good that it wasn’t love at first sight. I’m not sure how I could handle losing another property I love to someone else who has a higher offer. But there aren’t any other offers currently.
It sits there waiting.
Waiting for a second chance at life. Am I the one to give it an opportunity to live again? The one who might very well bring a town that is on the verge of being a ghost town back to life? Can one passion really restore a whole city.
I think it might very well be possible.
Maybe I love the building more than I think, but my weary heart is trying to be cautious about giving away the love freely because I don’t want to get hurt again. Oh isn’t that true in all areas of my life. Valentine’s is just around the corner…
Maybe my sweetheart will be a two-story building without any plumbing.
Without any plumbing…geeze, what on earth would I be getting myself into?
February 15th, 2024
My room is an absolute mess.
There are clothes everywhere. Along with bags and books and shoes and Valentine’s from family and an antique medical skeleton model that arrived almost a week ago to be used as a prop. I still haven’t shot that image yet.
But sometimes that is the reality of being alive. Certain things like tidiness take a backseat because my mind is so filled with other things that to be able to pay attention to something like putting away clothes feels like such a large task.
It’s gotten better though. I’ve been cleaning and tidying up regularly. But it’s interesting how I’ve noticed that the more chaotic my mental state is, the more chaotic my room appears. It’s like it’s the physical extension of my mental landscape.
But isn’t that true of the spaces we inhabit. They become real, physical representations of ourselves. The decoration, the tidiness, the drawers filled with random items that don’t really belong anywhere else. Our rooms, houses, and apartments, become just as much a part of us as we are a part of ourselves.
No longer are we contained within the simple body and flesh we daily inhabit. We become larger than that, expanding out into the real world with reflections of our character and our thoughts and our personality.
Isn’t it true that when you go into the home of someone you know or are getting to know, you find little truths about them scattered all over? You see bits of their history and personality. You learn about what they might like or find out a surprising detail about what they are like.
Home is just an extension of ourselves.
So when the room is messy and shoes litter the floor. Maybe you should give yourself some grace and look at where you are mentally. Maybe cleaning up the floor can be a meditative practice to help you clear out the chaos from your mind.
Slowly put things away while slowly remembering that life isn’t as bad as all that.
Or at least that’s what I might try to do to get my room and mind back in order. Oh how life can be filled with Wednesdays.
February 21st, 2024
There’s so much going on right now that it feels like my brain is going to explode. So many decisions, so many pieces of different puzzles, so many things that make you realize life is just kind of crazy and amazing.
I looked at two different properties on Monday. My realtor probably thinks I’m absolutely crazy, but I’m learning to let go of assuming what other people think of me and being trapped by that. So what if he thinks I’m crazy?
I am crazy and that’s what makes me a dreamer.
One of the properties was an instant no. I knew it as soon as I stepped out of the car. The other one is certainly more appealing. The main thing that drew me in was the light. There were so many huge windows and they let in the dreamiest and most gorgeous afternoon light.
It had a hipped roof with a symmetrical facade, which I’m learning all about while reading A Field Guide To American Houses by Virginia McAlester. I’m trying to learn more about historic houses and the way they were built and all of that incredibly detailed and complicated subject matter. Did you know that most American architectural styles found on houses are based on four different styles? You have Ancient Classical, Renaissance Classical, Medieval, and Modern.
Hard to believe most homes fit into one of those four styles.
But anyway, my brain is filled with buildings and house details and I’ve completely ruined myself because now I can’t look at a house without thinking about what style it is and what kind of windows it has or what kind of roof it is.
Maybe I’m okay with it though. I have a feeling I’ll be living and breathing old houses for most of my life.
Then you have the show I’m choreographing at a local high school. While I started the process back in January unsure about my commitment towards the show, I’m really enjoying it now. These kids are just so talented and I couldn’t be more proud of them.
I feel like a proud mother who will most definitely be crying her eyes out during the last show because of those that are graduating.
Maybe I should warn them about the tears…
Oh and my job wants me to work full time and be promoted to a position in artist services. I’m terrified I’m going to feel trapped by full time like I was in my last job even though the situations and people are completely different. But the fear is still there.
Which is why I should probably accept. I’m leaning that way. It’s in alignment with what I want to do. And courage is nothing if not action in spite of fear. I know I’ll say yes. Which makes me even more scared.
What is life going to look like in a few months? I haven’t the foggiest which is why life feels a little bizarre and crazy at the moment. How about you?
February 24th, 2024
I don’t think the kids realize how incredibly proud I am of them. I don’t know how it’s possible to be proud of someone this much when you’re not even related or connected in any way besides a show. But here I am, ready to tear up just thinking about how proud I am.
Just wait until the show.
Just wait until the last show. I should probably warn them that I’ll be crying in the audience.
Some of these kids are graduating. The ones I feel most connected to because I’ve worked with them the most and seen how much they’ve grown since the first show. Oh yeah, there will be tears. And it’ll be embarrassing, but it’s true. I’m so incredibly proud and I’m already dreading the show being over.
I had mixed feelings getting into it in the beginning. But here I am. A sucker for connection and kids and a damn good show.
Ah merde. What on earth am I going to do come March 25th?
Post show blues are no joke…especially if I’m transitioning into a full time job right after the show closes. Talk about a lot of changes all at once. Oh and the house…I still haven’t decided on the house.
It’s no wonder I can’t sleep at night. With all these decisions, happy moments to reflect on, and the consistent drawl of “Be Our Guest” playing in the background…it’s a miracle I sleep at all.
But yeah, I’m so so very proud.
I’m going to miss these kids.
February 29th, 2024
It’s not often you get the chance to write such a date.
February 29th. An oddity. An unusual day in such unusual lives.
People carry on as if it’s not unusual that there is just a random extra day in a year every so often. I feel as if it should be far more special than we make it out to be. A day to do anything, where anything is possible. Because it truly is an impossible day.
An additional day to our lives it seems. It’s impossible to add a single day to our lives, yet, here we are adding in an extra day just for the sake of it.
Upon reading more about the purpose for the day, it appears that this little day that appears every four years has a way of keeping absolutely everything in sync so that seasons and dates don’t slowly fall out of sync with where they’re supposed to be.
Imagine all of the responsibility for a little day in the littlest month of the year. The most unsuspecting day is probably one of the most important days we have in our calendar.
I finally met someone who’s birthday is on leap day. She turned 4 today. Happy Birthday Sophia!
A special day where anything could happen. A special day that I am saying goodbye to and will once again say hello to in 2028. My family and I watched the silly Romcom Leap Year today to celebrate. My brother-in-law said “I had no idea there were so many holidays to celebrate until I met your family.”
And why not? Life is worth celebrating so you might as well celebrate on the designated holidays. We should celebrate far more often on all the other days because life is short, life is worth living, and each and every day is worth celebrating.
Especially the unsuspecting, special days that only come around every four years.
Until Next Time,
Lillian Merritt
