Learning To Let Go
“L’appel Du Vide”
Self-Portrait, May 2020
I’m learning to let go.
I’m learning that more often than not, I cannot control the outcome of every single situation. In fact, I’m learning that I can hardly control any outcome. Situations will turn out the way they will turn out no matter how hard I try to anticipate each scenario.
One of my self-protecting habits is anticipating and trying to plan through every possible situation. No matter what I’m doing, from a conversation to choreographing a show or emailing someone, I try to foresee what will happen next.
I go through life trying to control the outcome.
This usually just leads to more stress and anxiety because my mind is spiraling through all the possibilities and more often than not, they are the negative possibilities.
I expect the worst to happen, so that if things go well, I’m highly surprised or if things go the way I’ve expected, I’m not surprised at all.
This leads to a pretty pessimistic outlook on life and also leads to inaction. If I’m always expecting the worst to happen, why would I want to try accomplishing something if I know it’ll just go south?
The one outcome I can always predict and always have control over is inaction. I know what will happen if I don’t take the leap of faith. I know what will happen if I don’t even try. And for me, sometimes the safety of never chasing after my dreams seems better than the risk of not knowing what will happen.
Yet, I’m tired of living this way. I’m tired of my fear of the unknown keeping me in place, keeping me playing it safe. I’m tired of letting inaction be my go to. But I still subconsciously take that easy route again and again because it’s what I’m accustomed to.
Not anymore.
I want to actively work on taking action. I want to actively work on jumping out in faith while not knowing what’s going to happen. I cannot control the outcome (and neither can you) and that’s okay. Because some of the most beautiful moments happen when we least expect it and sometimes the best, not the worst, outcome actually happens.
You just have to step out, take a leap of faith, and let go.
I wonder what will happen next.
