Where Is My Next Step?
Dear You,
The snow is blustering outside of the window as we speak and through the speakers comes the beautiful melody of “Dirty Paws” by Of Monsters and Men. It’s a peaceful and beautiful Sunday afternoon that holds promises of absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time.
Anything is possible when a day has simply no expectations.
Yet most of my day has not been spent in the best way possible. It’s a nasty habit of mine and it comes in the form of avoidance.
Knowing there are certain things that I want to get done, such as writing a blog post, and then doing something completely unrelated, such as posting on my Instagram Story, in order to avoid what must be done. When given the opportunity, I will almost always avoid what must be done and I will do so with great skill. While I was in New Orleans, I avoided the hard work of self-reflection and growth by dancing in my AirBnB. I don’t know why I turn to avoidance, especially since my fear of never amounting to much is so great, but there it is.
Another reason why I hardly ever get anything done is the inability to move myself into action. And I just don’t know why that is a problem of mine. I have so many goals and ideas and dreams. If you asked anyone who knows me to name a characteristic of my personality, it wouldn’t take long before someone said driven. Yet, with all the motivation and passion I have stored up in these bones, I just can’t seem to take a step forward.
I’m locked in place, maybe it’s avoidance, maybe it’s laziness, maybe it’s fear, but I feel stuck. Stuck in the exact same place I’ve always been hardly making any process forward towards the place I want to be.
But why? Why am I stuck?
Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer. It’s somewhere inside of me, I’m sure, but I haven’t quite found it yet. I know where I am and where I am going, but I don’t know how to make the connection between the two. How does one make that connection? How do I get to where I want to be?
As sure as the snow is falling from the sky, I couldn’t tell you.
And so I do what I know how to do. I create social media posts, write a blog post every so often, and plan. I plan everything, almost to the point of chronic planning if that’s even a thing. If there is an idea in my head, it’s been planned out. Most likely on paper, in a notebook, or on Trello somewhere. There’s always a plan. But every plan lacks the action to follow it through.
Action is the antidote to despair and I am the only one keeping myself back, but what’s the first step? There are so many buts, so many questions and hardly any answers. Maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe there aren’t any answers to any of the questions. Maybe the only answer is to do something. Do something small every day that will eventually lead to something bigger, something greater along the way.
There must be more than this. There must be more than sitting in my office watching the snowflakes flit in front of my window while typing away at a blog post that hardly anyone is going to read.
There must be more, but where?
How do I take that next step?
I hope that the next time I read this blog post I will have cracked the code. I will have found that next step and I will have found action. And I hope you will have found that next step as well. I’m sure my struggles are not only my own and so I wish you the best of luck in finding your next step. Who knows where it is going to lead.
Until Next Time,
Lillian Merritt