Day 294: Honest Words

Below is an honest journal entry from last night when I could feel both the weight of the entire world and the endless possibilities before me. Not every day is glamorous, some days you can feel defeated and that’s okay. It’s good to feel down, because when you feel down, you’ll be able to appreciate the up moments even more.

Dear Journal, July 13, 2020

I am sitting here against my bed and its super uncomfortable. The metal frame is pushing into my back, my neck hurts, and I have a headache. All I can hear is the AC and my hand sliding across this page and I feel so helpless. And maybe a bit hopeless.

I have so many dreams for my life and I want them to become vibrant and true, but the older I get the harder they seem to reach. Until one by one my dreams begin to feel impossible. I lose hope in my dreams of building and living in a castle. I lose hope in my dreams of being my own boss and living a life chasing after my photography. I lose hope in the dream of being known and making money. I lose hope in my dream of buying and restoring old buildings. I even lose hope in my dreams of falling in love, the kind of love you see in movies, read about in books, and hear about in songs.

And I wonder if this is what it means to grow up, losing hope. Losing hope that everything you’ve ever wanted would come true and settling for all the things you didn’t want. Does growing up mean that? Is it truly that bleak and desolate? Life wears away at your soul over time, a bright smile becomes dim and ringing laughter falls away.

That’s what life does to the every best of us it seems. takes away everything we ever wanted and replaces it with a sorry substitute. Life becomes so hopeless. The little kid with big dreams, grows up and learns of the real world. Of how things actually and and those dreams, those beautiful dreams. What becomes of them?

They sit there on a shelf, watching a life being wasted on things someone doesn’t want. Dreams of castles, careers, and true love are replaced for things more practical, like a house, a job, and a relationship. People trade in their perfect future for one barely worth living.

I’ve come to see that’s what growing up means. Growing up means giving up. But I don’t want any part of that life. I don’t want to be one of the ones who gives up everything just so they can have something. I want to see my dreams come true, I don’t want to see my life lived hopelessly. How grey and depressing that seems. I want to do everything fully and to live the way I want, without regrets. I want to feel the wins and the losses deeply. I want to at least try to make something of the life I have been given.

I want to do things, create art, travel, build a castle, and find love. I don’t want to have a bleak life. I want one that is vibrant and dangerous and oh so lovely. I don’t want to grow up and become like nearly everyone else in the world. I want to be more than that. I want to live and the die looking back on a life full of realized dreams, beautiful moments and the best people.

That’s what I dream of the most, a life worth living and I have hope in that.

Until Next Time,
Lillian Merritt

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