Day 77: Change And The Seasons

For something a little bit different, I would like to share an excerpt from my journal. I was reading through a few pages from August and as the rain poured onto the roof above this sense of nostalgia rose in my chest and I thought it would be best to share this passage with you.

Dear Journal, August 27th, 2019

My desire for change becomes stronger each day that the summer grows and shifts into fall. Its hard to remain the same when the world around you is changing into one of its most beautiful times. The temperatures have become cooler and the sky clouds over and a fine drizzle slips to the earth, coating the ground with a veil of dew.

This is the time of the year that i like the best. We move away from the boring days of summer and into the mystery and moodiness of fall with the promise of a crisp winter. This is the season I desire to change the most in. All I have to do it seems is reach into the changing world and soak up the change that is so present in the world.

Everything is shifting and I feel my heart wanting to shift with the season, to embrace fall and all the emotions that come with it. But as I seek change the question arises, what do I change? What part of myself do I strip away and what parts do I build up?

I desire to change my desire to stay inside my comfort zones. They are for too familiar and I do not stretch beyond them often enough. I need to stretch myself and dare to be bolder and live more. Comfort zones will never help me with anything, they will hold me back and keep me from amazing experiences. All because I want to be comfortable.

I also want to be bolder with the people I love. I want to tell them what they mean to me, I don’t want to be ruled by the fear of being abandoned. If they mean something to me I should tell them, no matter who they are. I don’t want to have to let go of people but sometimes I’ll have too. I just need to be sure that I tell them how much they mean to me before they leave.

Letting go of certain people is also important. The past has a firm hold and I need to strip it of its powers. The past is not where I am living, its done and its over. Instead of burying it, I need to walk away from the memories that seem sweeter than they were. It has been long enough to be stuck in something that’s over. I want to remember what happened and feel it, but I don’t want that to be where I want to go. I’ve out grown the past.

It’s about time I grew into myself don’t you think?

Every fiber of my being desires change. I want to be who I really am. I want to remove every mask I have put up, yet if I take them all off what will be left? What do I have when I remove all of these masks? There are so many masks to remove, each built upon the last. How does one deconstruct who they’ve built themselves up to be?

I know that I cannot just build another mask, I must deconstruct who I am and build a new person without any masks. I want the real me to shine in everything I do. No more masks, not more hiding, I want to show the world who I really am and not have it matter what it thinks of me. I want to be confident in who I am and with where I’ve come from.

But first I must be vulnerable. Strip it all away and see what’s under it all. Who am I under all of this mess? There’s only so much remodeling, adding on, and changing one can do to a building. Eventually you should just tear it down and start new. That’s what I want to do.

I hope this entry in my journal from the end of summer inspires you to consider change a good thing as we go into this season of winter. Sometimes you just have to strip it all away and start fresh, let that be your motivation as we approach a new year.

Until Next Time,
Lillian Merritt

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